How to Stop People Pleasing When You Fear Conflict
You say yes when you mean no.
Like, all the time. You say yes to the committee, the extra project, the girls' trip you don't have the energy for, the favor your sister asks for the third time this month.
And it's not because you want to. It's because somewhere in you, disappointing someone still feels like danger.
You rehearse how to say no for days, then say yes anyway.
You apologize before you've even said the hard thing.
You feel your chest tighten the second someone seems even a little annoyed with you.
Here's what that probably stems from. Somewhere back in childhood, you picked up a few unwritten rules.
Approval is how you get connection and praise.
Conflict is dangerous; avoid at all costs.
Disappointing someone is rejection, avoid that at all costs as well.
You can't blame your little girl self for this. Of course she wanted approval and connection over rejection and fear. Your brain got the message that if you keep everyone happy, you’ll be okay.
But those “rules” just don’t work when you’re an actual adult because in order to never “keep everyone happy” you have to say yes, yes, yes all day long. And that leads to a jam-packed calendar with zero space for you.
The good news is, you can rewrite those rules. I teach my clients a simple tool for this called the Update. When you learn to pause and use a new rule, such as “it’s ok to say no” or “I’m not in charge of everyone’s happiness” a shift happens.
Before you know it, you’ll resign from the committee, say no to the project, and feel free to disagree with someone in a meeting. You’ll have space in your calendars so you can meet your bestie for a last minute yoga class instead of working late.
Someone might be a little disappointed (usually the people who benefitted from your people pleasing!), and you're still fine. You sleep that night. You don't replay it for a week. Your mind will feel calm and freeeeeeee.
HOT OFF THE PRESS
“Everyone, myself included, keeps waiting for the world outside to settle down and bring us calm.”
There’s a little lie I think most of us have been telling ourselves for years: “I’ll finally feel better when things calm down.”
The problem? Things have absolutely no intention of calming down.
Hear this: calm can't depend on everything around us being calm.
There will always be something. Another email. Another deadline. Another person who needs something.
Maybe calm isn't something we find when life gets easier. Maybe it's something we learn to access while life is still happening.
That's why I loved my conversation with MJ Murray Vachon.
She explains why calm is actually our natural state—and how we can reconnect with it in the middle of everyday life, without waiting for the world to cooperate.
If you're waiting for life to slow down before you allow yourself to feel calm, listen to this episode—because the world may not slow down, but you don't have to wait for it to become peaceful to feel better.
Check out episode 280 here: https://tinyurl.com/OWWPod.
“Divorce is always heartbreaking and stressful and can be chaotic. It's not a goal anybody has. And yet many people actually end up going through it and end up feeling much better on the other side.”
Resentment doesn't always come from what someone does. Sometimes it comes from what they don’t do and everything you're repeatedly left to carry.
Many women are facing an unequal load when it comes to household management and parenting. Somewhere along the way you became the default for everything, and when that happens long enough, the problem isn't just the workload anymore. It starts affecting the emotional connection and erodes the goodwill that the marriage needs to survive.
Listen in to Michelle’s discussion with therapist Oona Metz about the statistics behind divorce, why some marriages recover while others don't, and what healthy couples do that helps them stay together.
Listen to episode 281 here: https://tinyurl.com/OWWPod!
“A to-don't list is an amazing tool to enable you to do less.”
Are you adding things to your to-do list faster than you can cross things off?
Maybe it’s time to try something new: the to-don’t list. A list of rules for things you simply don't do. Ever.
The result? Fewer decisions. Less mental clutter. More time for the things you actually care about.
Sometimes overwhelm isn't about managing your time better. It's about deciding what doesn't deserve your time in the first place.
If your calendar is packed and your brain has 47 tabs open, listen to this episode. You might not need another thing on your to-do list. You might just need to decide what never makes the list again.
Listen to episode 283 here: https://tinyurl.com/OWWPod!
“Are you bad at time management? Or are you simply trying to fit more into your day than your day can physically hold?”
Imagine someone trying to pack a suitcase that physically cannot hold everything they're trying to put inside.
They keep folding better. Rolling their clothes. Sitting on the suitcase. Trying different packing techniques. But eventually, it becomes clear that the problem isn't the packing. There is simply too much stuff for the suitcase.
At first, being overwhelmed looks like a scheduling problem, but eventually it starts showing up everywhere.
In the rushed email.
The distracted conversation.
The irritated husband.
The bedtime you rush through.
The moments with your kids where you're physically there but mentally somewhere else.
That’s why this episode isn't really about becoming better at squeezing more into your day. It's about understanding what that constant frantic pace is costing you—and what to do about it.
Check out episode 284 here: https://tinyurl.com/OWWPod.
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