Ep #09: Stop Caring What Other People Think
episode summary
“Just stop caring what other people think!”
We’ve all heard that one. It’s a lot easier said than done, and that's why I'm here to help. I'll explain why we care so much about others' opinions and provide practical strategies to evaluate and overcome this tendency.
I also share a personal story about how I let my fear of failure and concern about others' judgment held me back from something I actually wanted to do.
Do you often catch yourself worrying about what others think? Whether it's in social settings or at work, it's time to break free from this cycle.
For the full show notes and transcript, head over here.
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What You’ll Learn:
When you find yourself worrying about what others might think, ask yourself these questions:
Who are these "other people"? Get specific and name them.
Do you know them? Do you value their opinion?
Remember that everyone, including these individuals, is flawed and has their own perspectives.
What exactly are you worried they will think? Imagine the worst-case scenario.
If they did think that way, would you change your mind or alter your decisions?
What are you trying to control in this situation? Identify your own discomfort.
Consider the potential outcome of acting based on others' perceived opinions.
Remember, what others think of you is not your responsibility. You can't control their thoughts, and most of the time, they're not even thinking about you anyway!
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Hey, I'm Michelle Gauthier, and you're listening to the overwhelmed working woman podcast.
Hey, friends, thanks for joining me today. It's great to have you all back with me again. Today, we're going to talk about how to stop caring what other people think. I promise, my advice is not going to be just stop caring. Because if it was that easy, everyone would do it. And I wouldn't have to make this podcast and none of us would have any worries ever about what other people are thinking. Instead, I'm going to explain why we care and how to pause and evaluate for any situation. If you actually want to care about these other people, I'm using air quotes, or not, because sometimes I do like to care what someone else thinks I seek out their opinion, and I value it, even if I don't end up taking it. It's not always bad to care what other people think. But I do think it's always bad to make a decision based on what you perceive other people think, especially if they aren't people that you aren't super close to and whose opinion you don't value.
But before I jump into all the details, I want you to just pause and think about yourself for a minute. How often do you find yourself thinking about what other people are thinking about you? Obviously, we can never know. But how often do you notice that you're thinking about that? And is there a particular situation where you think about that more than others? For example, in like a social setting at a party? Are you thinking about that more than you're thinking about it at work? Or maybe the opposite is true. If you can think of a particular situation. And just keep that in mind as we're talking through this. I think it will help you as we go through these questions that you can think about your own personal situation, and how you can make improvements to where you feel this happening most in your life.
I was inspired to create this episode because I made a mistake last year of making a decision based on what I thought other people might think about me. And unfortunately, I didn't even realize I was doing it my gym that I love burn bootcamp was having a fitness competition and a bunch of people who I work out with were registering for it. And it literally never crossed my mind to consider it because I was not a person who entered into fitness competitions. I just basically said No, someone asked me if I was thinking about doing it. I said, No. And I just moved on. And on the day of the competition, I went to the gym and I went to cheer my friends on. And I was so inspired by everybody just doing their very own best that I was literally in tears. It was the coolest experience. And I thought to myself, why didn't I sign up for this, I could totally be here, I could completely be doing this. And what I realized was, I was worried that I would fail. And if I failed what other people would think about me. So without even consciously noticing it, I said no to an opportunity because I was worried that other people would think that I was a failure or not strong or not in good enough shape to do something like that. And that really made me mad when I realized that it made me mad that I hadn't even had a conscious thought to figure out that I had done that. So at that exact moment, I promised myself as soon as the signups come out next year, I am totally doing this. And I did I signed up and I just did it this year it was last weekend, it was very hard. And it was also so much fun. And what I noticed when I was competing is that the other people who were not competing and who were just cheering are people who were there just to cheer. were cheering for everyone, the person who was winning, the person who didn't finish, probably even more so for the person who didn't finish because she was trying so hard. And it just made me realize that this fear that I had was totally untrue anyway, so I've made myself miss out on an opportunity for a year. And it wasn't even true. So I felt inspired to share this with you because I'm a person who, you know, have been practicing at this.
I've been a life coach for a while now. And I'm usually very good about noticing my thoughts and thinking through things. And I just skipped right past this one. So I want to give you a chance to not miss out on things. And I want you to have a chance to stop doing things based on what you think other people might be thinking about you. It's about fall even to say it. I'll give you all the details about exactly how to do it. But before we jump into exactly how to evaluate what other people are thinking about you and decide what you really want to do. I want to bring up a situation where I do care what other people think about me and this show and that is in the reviews. I just want to thank you guys again for listening to the podcast, sharing it with people and taking the time to write a review. I really do care about your feedback there and I want this podcast to be the best it can be because you've been doing this, sharing it and writing and reviewing it continues to be in the top 3%. And it's your reviews that got us there and keep us there. So your honest feedback is important to me. And I would love for you to keep doing that. If you haven't written a review yet, and you could do it, that would be amazing.
The review I want to read today is quick into the point, it simply says, Michelle is remarkable her advice is practical, effective, and onpoint. For all working women worth the time, thank you, Tampa policy wonk for that nice review. And my goal is to be practical and effective and right to the point. So I really appreciate you taking the time to do it.
Okay, back to thinking about what other people are thinking. If you find yourself in a situation where you're worried about what other people might think here is exactly what to do.
I'm going to take you through a series of questions to ask yourself, some are about the other person and some are about you, I'll of course put this list of questions in the show notes, so you can refer back to it. But I'm going to take you through the questions a couple of times using different examples. So you can see how it could play out. First, we're going to focus on what we believe the other person might be thinking. So we want to get really specific about who this other person is. A lot of times, for example, when I decided I was going to become a life coach and quit my corporate job. My fear was that everyone would think I was making a bad decision. I was just so worried that they would be, again, air quotes with the they would be thinking badly of me. So who is everyone? name names. So get really specific. It's not the whole world you're worried about. It's a specific person or a small group of people. And my example that I'm talking about, it was one of my bosses named Rich, and I really admired him and valued his opinion.
Next question is, do I know this person? Yep, I did. I knew him.
Well, do I value their opinion? Yes, I did value his opinion.
So now we know who the real person is, if I know them, if I value their opinion, something to remember, once you get this nailed down, and you have a picture of the person in your mind, who you're worried about is that they no matter who they is so rich, in this case, is just an ordinary flawed human like all the rest of us, right? We're all just people. And his opinion is going to be different than mine for different reasons. If you think about this example, specifically, he's my boss, and let's just assume that me working for him, benefits him, makes his life easier and makes what he's trying to accomplish easier. So his opinion about me leaving and doing something different, is coming from a completely different perspective than mine is. Okay, then we want to worry ourselves all the way through, what are they thinking about us? So the next question to ask yourself is what exactly? Are you worried that they will think what would be the worst version? So the worst version and this example that I'm giving you is, I was worried that rich would think that I was making a bad decision?
Now you want to assume that that's true. So assume that Rich is thinking that I'm making a bad decision. Then you ask yourself, if he really does think that, am I willing to change my mind? And the truth is, if he thought that I would be disappointed, I would feel uncomfortable, but it's not enough for me to change my mind and change my whole life plan based on what he might remember, we still don't know what he's thinking, we'll probably never know what he was thinking about me. Is it really worth it for me to take that to heart and change my own mind?
The next question to ask yourself is what am I trying to control? We're always trying to control something, everything, all of us. And what I was trying to control, there was discomfort, my own discomfort. I wanted to go from having a business career to being a life coach, and I wanted the whole world to be super happy for me and cheer me on. So I didn't have to feel uncomfortable about it. Just even saying that out loud. Makes me laugh. But that is exactly what I was trying to control. And then the last question is, if I act on their or his, in this case, perceived opinion, what will happen? So if I would have acted on his perceived opinion, what would have happened is I would have just kept working for him and probably still have a corporate job today and now be doing this podcast and not have this beautiful, amazing life that I've created based on becoming a life coach. It's easier to look back on it retrospectively but even in the moment. I realized if I act on this opinion of his that I'm making up, I'm going to be sorry that I never took the chance. And now I know now I have proof that I'm so glad that I did that. By the way, just asa random side note, after I had been gone for six months or so. He sent me such a nice message about how he was so happy for me and it seemed like I was really, you know, doing what I was meant to do. And he was really glad for me. So it was really all for naught, which is often the case when we worry about these things. But even if I never got that clarification or that feedback from him, I still decided nope, I'm not going to take his made up perceived opinion of me, which turned out to be wrong.
Now sticking with the same example, and same situation, I'm going to take you through the questions where you think about what you are thinking.
So what do I think about this situation? In my example, thinking about the situation where I was going to become a life coach and quit my corporate job. I knew in my heart of hearts that I wanted to do it, I was scared, but I knew I wanted to do it.
And then number two is ask yourself, the question is the thought I'm worried that rich in this example is having my own thought about the situation.
A good trick to do when you're asking yourself this question is to replace the other person's name with your name. So Rich is going to think that I've made the wrong decision. Michelle is going to think that I've made the wrong decision, or I am going to think that I made the wrong decision that really resonated with me, that was my truest, deepest fear of, yes, I really want to do this, but I'm afraid that I'm going to make the wrong decision. And just acknowledging that and noticing that, that felt so uncomfortable, was really powerful to me. And it can be really powerful to you to to realize, I'm actually not worried about what Rich thinks I'm worried about what I think and that is in my control, and I can be afraid to make a big change like that.
In fact, if you make a big change like that, you're going to be afraid, that's okay. I can still do it anyway. And just a reminder that what other people think about us is really none of our business, what other people think about us is totally out of our control. And even if you do the thing that you're worried about them thinking about in this example, if I didn't leave, and I stayed at my corporate job, I still can't control Rich's opinion of me, he might think she's crazy. I can't believe she stayed here. She totally should have left and gone to become a life coach. There's just no way to control it in either direction. And remember, the most likely option, I've said this on another podcast, but it's my Nana's tried and true advice. She used to always say, Don't flatter yourself. Nobody's thinking about you anyway. So here I am imagining this whole situation where Rich's like spending the whole day thinking about me and my career. And if I'm making a mistake, and talking to his family about it at dinner, etc. It was probably like a three second thought that crossed his mind one time, people just are not thinking about us as much as we think.
Okay, I'm going to go through those questions one more time. And I'm going to use a different example. So in this situation, one time I was traveling with my kids, and they were little, maybe like five into, I was going from San Antonio to St. Louis. And I had to stop in Dallas. Our flight was delayed. So by the time I landed in Dallas, I had like 20 minutes to get to our connection. And if I missed the connection, I had an eight hour layover in DFW with two toddlers. Oh my gosh, that sounds terrible. So I got off the plane, I had gate checked my running stroller and I had on tennis shoes. And if you have traveled a lot, you know DFW, you know that you have to go up and take trains to get to the other terminals. And of course, if you have a stroller, you've got to go in an elevator, whatever, it's a big production. So I just decided, I'm just going to go for it. I'm just going to run. I'm just going to skip the train altogether. I think I can get there faster if I just run by myself. So I started to run. And then I stopped and I started walking, because I realized I was thinking about what other people were thinking about me, I was thinking, oh my gosh, they must think who is that crazy woman? And what is she doing? So let's just go through these questions again, thinking about me, in the DFW airport situation? Who is everyone? I don't know all these people at DFW, who just happened to be standing there and who I perceived as stopping what they were doing and turning to look at me, which wasn't true, I'm sure. Do I know this person? Nope. I didn't know any of those people. Do I value their opinion? No, no, I don't, I don't really care what they think about me. What exactly it was I worried that they would think what I was worried is that they would think who is that crazy lady and what is she doing? So if I assume that's true, if I assume they're thinking that would that change my mind? Would I walk because I wanted to try to control what they were thinking about me? No. And what I was trying to control was again, the discomfort that comes with what other people might be thinking about me. So what I wanted was for everybody to like, line up along the edge of the airport and be like you got this Michelle, you can do it run as fast as you can. And instead I perceived that they were like what is she doing? cuz that's what I was trying to control. And if I act on their perceived opinion what will happen? So what will happen is I will walk and I will have to go take the trains, and I will totally miss my connection and I will spend eight hours entertaining two little kids at DFW, that sounds absolutely horrible. So when I think about this situation, I think I should run. That's what I thought I think I should run. And is the thought I'm worried they're having my own thought about the situation. So in that case, if I'm thinking, Oh, they're thinking, Who is that crazy lady? Am I thinking that about myself? Yeah, probably. But I don't care. I don't care. I just had to do it. So I had to remember what other people are thinking is none of my business. It's totally out of my control what they're thinking people could just as likely be like, Wow, look at her go. That's amazing as what is she doing? And really, they're probably not thinking about me at all. It was probably a passing one second thing if I like cut them off as I was sprinting by, and what would have happened if I really cared about what they thought was way worse than just feeling slightly uncomfortable at being, you know, the sprinting lady through DFW,
If we think back to that example that I was telling you about before about my gym, if we go through the questions, and I'm asking myself, who's everyone, people I worked out with naming names, I could picture people and those people whose names I know, were people who are super duper fit, not just like the everyday regular people at the gym, but the super fit people. Do I know them? Yes. Do I value their opinion? Yeah, I guess if I guess if they were thinking that I was crazy for doing this or that I just wasn't doing a good job. Maybe I wouldn't value their opinion. But just as people Yeah, sure I value their opinion. And what I was worried they would think is she doesn't belong here. And if I assume that that's true, that they were thinking she doesn't belong here. Would that make me change my mind? Maybe, maybe not. What was I trying to control I was trying to control again, I wanted it to be like a warm and welcoming and easy thing. I didn't want to feel uncomfortable. And if I acted on their perceived opinion, so if I perceive that they're thinking she doesn't belong here, what will happen? Well, it did happen, I perceived that they think I didn't belong there. And so I did believe that. And I just didn't do the thing. And I was really sorry that I didn't enter into that competition in the first year. Now, when I think about it, what do I think about this situation and is the thought I'm worried they're having my own thought about the situation 100%. So what I thought about the situation is, I don't belong here. Just when I was worried, they were going to think about me, I was completely projecting my own fears onto them. And what did happen is, I realized I had done it, I was really bummed that I did, and I made up for it the next year. And it turned out to be just such a wonderful experience. And I did belong there because I decided I belonged there. In closing, I want you to take away from this episode today is just notice when you are thinking about what other people are thinking about you. Think about exactly who you're worried about, think about the worst case scenario of what they could be thinking about you. And then ask yourself, If that's true, then what would I change my opinion? What do I think about the situation? And am I really just projecting my own thought onto these people? Air quotes again on the people, if you can do that and catch yourself and don't do like I did, where you just make a decision based on what you think other people are thinking about you and miss out on a great opportunity, and you have a chance to evaluate it, you'll be able to have a much better truer answer for yourself.
If you have any questions about this episode, anything that I've said today, as always, feel free to email me Michelle at Michelle gauthier.com. Or you can send me a DM on Instagram. I'm at Michelle Gauthier coaching. I would love to hear from you. And I would love to hear what questions you have. Because if you have them other people probably do and I can address them on another podcast episode.
Okay, thank you again for listening. Thank you for rating and reviewing if you haven't yet, and you could do that. That would be wonderful.
Have a fantastic week. Talk to you next week. Thank you for listening to the overwhelmed working woman podcast. If you want to learn more about my work, head over to my website at Michelle gauthier.com. See you next week.
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