Ep #54: Reducing Overwhelm at Home: How To Raise Happy Teens Using Boundaries & Mindfulness
episode summary
Do you feel like parenting a teenager harder than navigating a maze blindfolded?
As a parent, it can be overwhelming when your sweet child transforms into a seemingly impossible-to-understand teenager. Jennifer Delliquadri, a life coach who works with teenagers and parents of teens, sheds light on how to reduce conflict with your teen and better understand their mood swings to reduce overwhelm and foster a closer, more productive relationship.
In this episode, you'll learn:
Why teenagers pull away from their parents, and how to navigate these challenging years without feeling overwhelmed.
Practical strategies for fostering independence in your teen while maintaining a strong, supportive relationship.
The simple yet powerful step of validating your teen's emotions and setting healthy boundaries for respectful communication.
Ready to transform your relationship with your teenager? Tune in to this episode for expert advice from Jennifer Delliquadri.
Featured on the Podcast:
Jennifer's free Facebook group Raising Happy Teens.
Jennifer's podcast Raising Happy Teens.
For the full show notes and transcript, head over here.
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Discover practical strategies to overcome imposter syndrome, manage time effectively, and cultivate a calm and positive mindset while setting boundaries and combating negative self-talk in high-stress jobs, all while learning how to say no and prioritize self-care on the 'Overwhelmed Working Woman' podcast.
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CHAPTERS:
5:52 - Why Are Teenagers So Dang Difficult?
10:32 - You're the Adult
17:16 - Parenting with Empathy and Boundaries
21:27 - Providing Emotional Space
listen to the episode:
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Jennifer Delliquadri: 0:00
There's a lot of ups and downs, it's scary for them and what you want to do is to avoid sitting in the roller coaster with them and screaming with them.
Michelle Gauthier: 0:16
You're listening to Overwhelmed Working Woman, the podcast that helps you be more calm and more productive by doing less. I'm your host, Michelle Gauthier, a former overwhelmed working woman and current life coach. On this show, we unpack the stress and pressure that today's working woman experiences, and in each episode, you'll get a strategy to bring more calm, ease and relaxation to your life. Hey friends, we have an awesome episode. If you're feeling like your home is overwhelming right now because you have a teen or a preteen, you are about to get the full scoop. By the end of this episode, you will understand some of the magical things that you need to change in order to have a better relationship with your teen.
Michelle Gauthier: 1:01
Our guest, Jennifer Delliq uadri, is a life coach for teens and parents of teens, and some of the things you'll learn today are why teenagers pull away from their parents - they're kind of supposed to do that - and how to navigate this instead of being like, oh my gosh, my baby is now just in their room with the door shut all the time. Learn how to navigate that without feeling overwhelmed. Strategies for letting your teens be independent but still maintaining a strong relationship with them. And then how to do simple things like validating your teen's emotions and having healthy boundaries so that you have good communication. If you're ready to transform your relationship with your teenager or your preteen, this is the episode for you, so let's welcome our guest.
Jennifer Delliquadri: 1:49
I'm Jennifer Delliq uadri. I am a life coach for teenagers and parents of teenagers. What I help teenagers do is feel more confident and assured in their life, and parents help them feel more confident and better connection with their teen. So I can work with teens separately and parents separately, or even together for even more impact, and I'm also a parent of two teens myself, which really got me into this line of work. I really decided,
Jennifer Delliquadri: 2:20
when I went to get my life coach certification, I knew that there was a demographic of an age group that could really use support. Having been a teen myself and also seeing my teens enter the pre-teen teen years, I was like this is a really tough age and it can very easily be overlooked. And all of the things that I've learned through my life and my yoga teacher training and my coach certifications, my degree - I thought, wouldn't it be great if these things and these concepts could be learned at a younger age and also be applied to the approach to parenting? And so that's why I got into that and it is absolutely where I'd love to be and, speaking from experience, my clients, you know are the best. And yeah, I'm just happy to be here and talk a little bit about parenting and teens.
Michelle Gauthier: 3:19
Well, I've got to say I feel this is in the same category as like a middle school teacher, where I'm like, thank you so much for existing, god bless you for doing this job and I'm so glad that you like it, because to me it feels like it would be nearly impossible. And you're always smiling and like, oh, we got this. Teaching these teens who we have a hard time talking to great strategies to feel less anxious and more confident. So thank you for doing it.
Jennifer Delliquadri: 3:47
Yeah, well, my background's in education, so I was basically meant to be a teacher and have always loved being with kids, so this is kind of a great combination of all the things I love wrapped up in one.
Michelle Gauthier: 4:02
Yeah, perfect, perfect for you. And one of my first questions was how did you become a life coach for teens? I feel like you kind of answered that question. Was there anything else I missed?
Jennifer Delliquadri: 4:13
Well, I think one of the things I didn't really mention was that in my previous life, I like to say, I worked in the field of education for 14 years and I was noticing through that experience, from when I very first started teaching to right when I was getting ready to leave there was a big shift in needs for the kids.
Jennifer Delliquadri: 4:35
A lot of them were feeling a lot more anxious, having a really hard time focusing, their confidence was really low and the parents just really felt ill-equipped to support them because the needs were so different than when we were kids, and so it was just kind of a smooth transition and one of the things I really wanted to do when I left the classroom was to be able to impact the world on a grander scale than beyond the four walls of my classroom.
Jennifer Delliquadri: 5:03
And what better way to be able to coach, via Zoom, where I can have clients all over the entire world and help whoever comes across my screen? It was kind of a combination of my experience as a teenager and then seeing my kids, but then also seeing all of the kids in my classroom, all of them struggling with these things because they could either have support from a therapist or the school counselor, nothing in between, and the school counselors were really overwhelmed with their caseloads already. So there was just kind of not that support for somebody who's not struggling big time but also not thriving and feeling like lacking confidence and just not sure of where they want to go in their life.
Michelle Gauthier: 5:52
That is so great. It sounds like it's the perfect job for you, yes, so when I figured out that we were going to do this interview, I polled my audience. So I'm almost always talking to moms - overwhelmed working moms. I said I'm going to have somebody on who's an expert in teens. What do you want to ask her? And the biggest question I got - I don't swear on my podcast, so I'm going to clean it up - but like, why are they so difficult? What is going on with them physically and emotionally? Can you tell us why? What is the answer?
Jennifer Delliquadri: 6:26
Well, one of the biggest challenges that you can have as a parent is to see that transition, or experience that transition, from when your kid is there, wanting you, needing you, loving you, you can do no wrong, to closing the door, hiding in their room, not talking to you, getting frustrated anytime you even walk in the room - it's like, it hurts. So, first of all, just to acknowledge that that transition is painful and hard, especially for moms, because many of us - most of us - are the nurturers in the family. We were the ones that they would run to when they got a boo-boo right, and now they are running in the opposite direction. So, to answer the question, why are they so difficult? There are so many reasons, but life is hard as a teenager because they're in between who they were and who they're becoming. They don't know where they're going, they don't know who they want to be. At the same time, they're still not really sure of who they are, and what they're really craving is to be independent and to pull away from the parents. That's a natural biological need that they have, and so it can feel very isolating. They want to turn to someone, they want support, so they turn to their friends, which can sometimes be great and sometimes not so great, but the reason why parents struggle so much with their kids in general is because they're wanting to control something that cannot be controlled. They're used to being in full control of their kids' lives, their schedule, their grades, when they go to bed, what they eat, and then slowly, slowly, they're losing control because the kid, the teen, is starting to take on their own identity and their own reality. And so when parents feel that control, like that they're losing the control, instead of releasing and allowing, they grip tighter and try to control more. And so when they try to control more, that ends up pushing the teen away, frustrating the teen, and it impacts the dynamic between the parent and the teen, and then there's a lot of conflict there.
Jennifer Delliquadri: 8:46
Yeah, so what I always recommend is, if somebody is seeing that their kids, or feeling like their teenager is being so difficult, is to first turn things around and ask themselves, what is it about their behavior that's really challenging to me? That's good. Is it that they're talking back? Is it that they are making friends with the wrong people? Is it that they aren't talking to me at all? Right, are they being disrespectful? But turn it around and ask yourself what is it about this that's really triggering or bothering me? And then to ask and intentionally decide how do I want to show up for them?
Jennifer Delliquadri: 9:23
And that can be looking at the long-term relationship with them - what do you really want for them long-term, and how can you start forming that relationship now? And really, the first step of that often is to slowly begin to release control and trust them to be independent. Because the moment they feel that freedom and independence, you'll notice a shift in their behavior. Okay, okay, not a huge shift. I'm not going to wave a magic wand and be like everything's fixed. Yeah, but there will be a shift and they'll notice. And when they start to recognize that you trust them and that you're forming your adult relationship with them, they're more likely to come back and be more involved in the relationship.
Michelle Gauthier: 10:09
Yeah, that makes so much sense. Okay, so just in case anybody missed it, the answer to your teen being difficult is to try to control less on your side. Yeah, I have an episode about taking radical responsibility and asking what is my part in this problem? What am I doing? So that's probably most often the answer in this case.
Jennifer Delliquadri: 10:32
Well, and the truth is that you are the adult, as the parent. Y our brain is fully formed. It is your responsibility to take charge of your emotions and be that strong force for your teenager. What I always like to compare it to is that they're on this roller coaster, just in this point of life. There's a lot of ups and downs, it's scary for them and what you want to do is to avoid sitting in the roller coaster with them and screaming with them. What you want to do is be there for them, holding their hand, and supporting them along the way, but as that secure, solid force that they can depend on and feel safe around. You're not changing. They may be changing, but you're not. You're that solid, secure force that will continue to be there. Even if they show up in a bad mood, even if they're having a frustrated day, even if they forget their sports gear at school, you're still level-headed and taking charge of your own emotions through the whole thing.
Michelle Gauthier: 11:38
The sports stuff at school is a great example. So if they forget that at school or most likely, at my house, it seems to be at home, and you're really frustrated by that. Are you suggesting that we get ourselves into a calm energy, just like taking care of business, okay, how are we going to work this out, instead of reacting, because in that case, for both of my kids, they would be upset, like, I forgot this, I need you to bring it to me right now, and I'd be like, I can't bring it to you right now; I'm trying to work. S o if we can maintain that calm, is that what you suggest?
Jennifer Delliquadri: 12:11
I always recommend to have some type of outlet or practice in your life that helps you remain calm, not just with your kids, but with anything that comes up, so that, whether it is exercise or meditation or yoga, journaling, any of the practices - painting, some type of creative outlet where you're able to get in the flow and you're able to experience a state of relaxation.
Jennifer Delliquadri: 12:38
A lot of people do deep breathing. That can help a lot too, so that you, in that moment when you're triggered (because you *will* be triggered when they call you in the middle of the day and they say I forgot my stuff and they're freaking out) you have a space between that stimulus and how you respond, because the reaction that comes from not feeling calm and not being in charge of your own emotions will likely just pour fuel onto the fire and it's not going to solve anything. You're absolutely allowed to have those feelings, it's natural and normal, but to be able to at least have that pause where you can take a breath and then solve from there. And what I always like to recommend is - those are like panic moments, so to do anything you can in advance to prepare for those panic moments: when you forget your things in the future, this is how we'll handle it. Right? Of course, there's surprises all of the time, and that's what happens. Yeah, but get to a space where you are able to access your logical brain even when things are a little chaotic.
Michelle Gauthier: 13:49
Yeah, yeah, that makes so much sense. I was actually just talking to a friend of mine at the gym this morning who has a two-year-old and she was talking about how her daughter's like between that, I really need you, plus also, don't help me, and if you do I'm going to have a complete fit and throw myself on the floor. And I was thinking it's not that different than having teenagers. It's that same kind of feeling of like I need to know you're there for me and you love me, but also get away from me. And I'm going to have a big fit and probably not throw myself on the floor, but maybe, it's not totally out of the question, and for us to be able to just step over that and be okay and calm.
Jennifer Delliquadri: 14:33
One of the terms that I have thought of - I don't say it very often because I don't want it to be disrespectful to the teens - but it's like re-toddlering. Yeah, they're going through a second toddler experience where their emotions are all over the place and they're craving independence. They're just in much bigger bodies now.
Michelle Gauthier: 14:49
Yeah, yes, exactly, and don't quite know what to do with them a lot of times too. Right, yeah, yeah. So one of the things that I talk to my clients a lot about, and talk about a lot on the podcast, is being able to, as the mom who is usually the emotional leader/ director of the family, if we can be calm, we can see those results all across our life and I'm just wondering if that's something that shows up for you when you're working with your clients, if you observe that, it all starts with the parent.
Jennifer Delliquadri: 15:21
The parent's energy impacts the kid's energy. So if you are able to manage your emotions and your ups and downs in a healthy way, not only will it rub off on them energetically, but it will teach them that this is how we respond to stressful situations. This is the safe and good way to respond to triggering situations. So you're kind of setting the tone and you're setting an example. You're not leaving it up to your teen to manage it all and to hold it all in. You're just keeping yourself as sane as possible and, if that requires you leaving the area, right, like
Jennifer Delliquadri: 16:03
one of the things I recommend to the parents and teens I work with is, when they're in, if they have a lot of conflict in their relationship, when they're in the midst of a discussion, and they're finding that it's getting heated and at any point either of them recognizes I'm going to say or do something that I'm going to regret, in their brain, this is going off the rails, I need to not be in this conversation anymore, to have a word that they've agreed on in advance. When I'm feeling this way, I can say this word. We both understand what it means. We take a break, and then we both know that this discussion isn't over. It's just not going to be productive if it continues in this way, and that really just involves having conversations with your kids in advance about these things. So the next time things get heated, let's talk about how we want to handle it, so that we can both get what we're needing in the conversation and preserve our relationship.
Michelle Gauthier: 16:58
I love that and actually I have been the beneficiary of that, because you taught that to my daughter and so she had a word that meant I'm not going to talk about this anymore right now, and our whole family agreed that we would respect that. So that was awesome. I can say for sure from the receiving end that that definitely worked. So I feel like there has to be some kind of boundary as far as basically the way that I allow people to talk to me, right? So sometimes, if a teen's getting mad and screaming or doing something that I just do not allow, what should
Jennifer Delliquadri: 17:35
Right. And first off, if you have that forethought of knowing that this is something that you will not tolerate, is to have a conversation in advance about these situations. When everything is calm, when everyone's feeling fine, there's no stress in the situation, maybe in the car, right? When you're just having an easy conversation, you just bring it up and say can I talk to you about something? Sure, so when these types of things happen, or when you yell at me, I feel _______, and I feel disrespected, or whatever it is that you're feeling. And in the future, what I request from you is - and then you make a request to them or you agree upon what steps or actions will be taken when things get to that level. That's where that safe word can come in, for example, but to have a plan for it so that when it happens, it's not up to you to solve it or fix it in the moment.
Jennifer Delliquadri: 18:34
Yeah, now let's say the conversation hasn't happened and your teenager is yelling at you for something and you're feeling yourself feeling heightened emotion and whatever emotions are coming up for you. You have every right to speak your truth and set a boundary: I will not allow you to talk to me like that. You're doing two things there. One is you are stepping your ground, but you're also showing them how to show up for somebody who's doing those things to them. I see, okay. So it's a respectful way.
Jennifer Delliquadri: 19:08
Because sometimes what can happen is when you get drawn into their emotion, when they're yelling at you, sometimes you want to yell back like, don't yell at me, how dare you, you're so rude, you're so disrespectful, and then the finger pointing begins and it goes nowhere. Good, yeah, so to recognizing yourself, this is not feeling good to me. I do not want this to continue. To vocalize that and say this is not okay with me, I will not allow you to talk to me like that, and either leave the situation or make a request. Let's talk about this when you're feeling more calm.
Michelle Gauthier: 19:45
Okay, okay, all right, that's good. You're so wise. Can you come live on the shelf like the elf on the shelf? Can you live on the shelf?
Jennifer Delliquadri: 19:54
It's one of those things where it's so easy to say but it's not easy to do. And I want to acknowledge that. It's not easy to have a teenager in the house who is in a heightened emotional state, because a lot of us women, we take on the emotions of other people, and I don't know about you, but when I see my daughter starting to ramp up into an emotional spiral, sometimes I would get pulled into it. Like, oh my gosh, this is going nowhere good, I know, like I can feel everything falling apart, and get drawn into it, where I'm feeling whatever it is she's feeling, and we're both feeling that and that's not going to benefit anyone. But just to acknowledge that that's natural, because when they were itty bitty babies, to keep them healthy and alive, you needed to pay attention to all of that.
Michelle Gauthier: 20:48
That's such a good point and it explains why we do it.
Jennifer Delliquadri: 20:52
Yeah, you're trained to do that and, thank goodness right, it makes you a really good mom, but it also can be harmful. Yeah, so that's where taking care of yourself, finding your calm and being able to detach yourself from their emotions so that you can again be that secure and safe space where they can sort out their emotions and not get you drawn into them.
Michelle Gauthier: 21:18
Yeah, that's so great. And again, us choosing our own emotion, which takes practice.
Jennifer Delliquadri: 21:27
Yes, and I do have to speak to that too, because when, like in the past, I have to explain a little bit about how to respond when your teenager is having a really heightened emotional reaction, maybe it's something that has nothing to do with you. T his happens a lot, right? So sometimes what can be best to do is when they want to vent or when they are upset about something, a lot of parents will come in and try to fix it. Okay, well, you should do this, or have you tried this, or you should talk to them. But instead of doing that while they're in this emotional state, is just to provide a space for them to get everything off of their chest.
Jennifer Delliquadri: 22:09
So in those moments you are not commenting on anything, you're not offering your opinion on anything. You're literally only validating what they're saying and acknowledging what they're saying. So, it sounds like this is really stressful for you. Wow, that sounds really hard and of course you would be frustrated about that. It makes total sense that you would be angry. You're just acknowledging, validating over and over and over. I'm telling you as a mom I've done this for probably 30 minutes straight, where I have to keep all of my emotions inside, and literally just separate myself from her so that she can process her emotions and then, when I sense that shift in her energy, ask her, how would you like me to support you with this?
Michelle Gauthier: 22:57
That's so good, that's such a good tip. Then she can say nothing, or help me, or whatever.
Jennifer Delliquadri: 23:05
Teenagers do not want you to tell them what to do, they just don't. And if they do want you to tell them what to do, they will let you know. So always ask them, do you want my advice or do you want me to listen? This would probably alleviate so much conflict in any relationship with a teenager is to just allow them to ask you when they need your support with something or when they want to hear what you think.
Michelle Gauthier: 23:31
Yeah, oh, my gosh. Words I've never heard: what do you think about this, mom? Mom, you are so smart.
Jennifer Delliquadri: 23:39
Will you just impart all of your wisdom on me? I'll get my journal and write it all down. Yes, exactly.
Michelle Gauthier: 23:45
I'll tell you what one of my children said directly was, okay, I know you're smart at coaching adults as a life coach, but you don't know what to do about kids.
Jennifer Delliquadri: 23:53
Okay, thank you. Thanks for telling me like it is. Appreciate that.
Michelle Gauthier: 24:00
So funny, so funny. I also think, though, we women often complain about our spouses doing that to us when we're trying to just air frustration, and they're trying to solve our problems. So if you think about being on the receiving end of that when that's not what you want, how frustrating that can be. That helps me think about it as wow, that's really overbearing and annoying, and actually I don't want that. I just want you to be like, wow, that sucks. Sounds like you handled that really well, Michelle, good job. That's what I'm looking for.
Jennifer Delliquadri: 24:30
Exactly. Nobody likes to be told what to do, yeah.
Michelle Gauthier: 24:34
No, it's true, they don't. They just don't. Oh, you're so wise. Thank you so much. So if somebody is listening and they're about to lose their mind with managing their teenager, or they think their teenager needs help, feeling more confident, less anxious, any of the magical things that you can help people with where should they go to find you?
Jennifer Delliquadri: 24:52
Well, first of all, I have a free parent group on Facebook. That would be a great place for them to start. It's called Raising Happy Teens, but you can get the link by following me on Instagram at @jennifer. delliquadri. There you'll find the link to the group, and I also have a podcast, Raising Happy Teens podcast. You can listen to all of the episodes on there and, of course, my website, jenniferdelliquadri. com, has all the information about my programs and you can schedule a consultation and learn more about my coaching packages and processes there.
Michelle Gauthier: 25:29
Okay, perfect, I will put all of those in the show notes and just thank you so much for this. This is so helpful and I think a lot of times what I've seen in coaching moms and in my own life is you feel like you got this parenting thing kind of nailed and then your kids turn into teenagers and it's like wait, what I used to be good at this, or was I just dreaming then? I don't know. So it's just so validating for you to tell us you just need different strategies, you just need to think about it differently and act differently, and that it's okay if that's hard to transition to or if it feels sad or whatever. All of that's okay, but we have to do that if we want to feel better.
Jennifer Delliquadri: 26:08
Yeah, absolutely, and just being able to first have compassion for yourself and know that it's okay, that it's hard, and that you're still a really good mom.
Michelle Gauthier: 26:18
Oh, thanks, that's awesome. I like that. Did you hear that everybody? Jen says you're still a good mom, you still are.
Jennifer Delliquadri: 26:24
Yeah, okay, good.
Michelle Gauthier: 26:26
All right, thank you so much. Thank you for having me. Thank you for listening to the Overwhelmed Working Woman podcast. If you want to learn more about my work, head over to my website at michellegauthier.com. See you next week.
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