Ep #59: How to Be Less Annoyed with Your Husband

episode summary

Ever find yourself simmering in silent (or not-so-silent) frustration toward your spouse?

As women, many of us find ourselves carrying the lion's share of responsibilities at home, leading to resentment and frustration. But here's the thing: dwelling on what your spouse isn't doing won't make things better. Instead, focus on what you can control—your thoughts, actions, and communication.

In this episode you'll learn:

Why you're so annoyed and resentful.
The stories your brain is telling you about your spouse's actions.
How to communicate using "I feel" statements to express your needs clearly.

Tune in now - your happier, more harmonious relationship awaits!

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Ep #30| The Invisible Workload of Women

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CHAPTERS:

1:23 - The Invisible Workload of Women

5:21 - Step 1: Why Are You Mad?

7:03 - Step 2: What Are You Making it Mean?

9:51 - Step 3: How Have You Communicated?

15:49 - Do Less for More Success Tip

If you've ever been frustrated with your spouse, this episode is for you. You're listening to Overwhelmed Working Woman, the podcast that helps you be more calm and more productive by doing less. I'm your host, Michelle Gauthier, a former Overwhelmed Working Woman and current life coach. On this show, we unpack the stress and pressure that today's working woman experiences, and in each episode, you'll get a strategy to bring more calm, ease and relaxation to your life. Hello, friends, if your spouse annoys you and you feel resentful with your spouse sometimes, or a lot of the times, then you should listen to this episode. Today we're going to talk about what you can do to make yourself feel better, no matter what your spouse is doing. We're going to take a look at why you're so mad and why you're so resentful, what your brain is making that mean, and then what to do about it. I'm going to give you some great tips for how to communicate your feelings using I feel statements. So by the end of the episode, you're very likely to be less annoyed with your spouse, if you're annoyed with them right now, and you are extremely likely to have the tools to work through that situation. Okay, so let's get started. First of all, I think it's safe to assume that as women, we have more workload in our relationships, especially when we have kids, like studies show this. I'm sure there are some 50-50 couples out there where everything is split right down the middle, but I don't know any of those couples and I think it's safe to assume, based on research that has been done, that women tend to carry a heavier workload than men do, especially when it comes to the home. If you aren't too familiar with this topic yet, you should go back and listen to episode 30, which is about the invisible workload of women. There's a ton of great information in there, but for now let's just go with the assumption that as women, we are carrying more of that invisible workload, and more of even the seen workload, than our partners often do. For example, last week around here was Teacher Appreciation Week, and I would go out on a limb and say it's very rare in a household that the dad of the household would be like hey, it's teacher appreciation week. What do we need to do this week? Do we need to get some flowers? Should I have the kids write notes? Are we supposed to be bringing in some food? That's the kind of thing that tends to - and again, if your house isn't like this, good for you - but that's the kind of thing that tends to automatically fall to the mom, and that's just one example.

Michelle Gauthier: 2:42
And as I'm talking about this with you right now, May in general tends to be a super busy month. School is ending, kids are coming home from college, summer plans are being worked out. You're thinking about, do I need to put my kids in camps? Do they need to get jobs, depending on their age? How is my work schedule going to have to change over the summer? How's the budget for our family going to have to shift? So a lot of times,

Michelle Gauthier: 3:08
what happens - and there's even a study to back this up, which is in that episode, number 30 that I just mentioned a few minutes ago - where, when parents are going to send their children to summer camps, that it is often the wife - in a heterosexual marriage - the wife who comes up with the idea and does the initial research. The husband will jump in when asked to help make the decision about which camp to go to, and then the rest of it tends to fall to the mom of doing all the paperwork, getting them signed up, getting them all the things that they need for camp, getting that packed up, making sure they get to camp on time, etc. So when I hear women say I am so resentful and so pissed off and so frustrated with my spouse for not doing as many things as I do or noticing when things need to be done around the house, it's no big surprise, right? That could be a completely frustrating situation. So today in the podcast, I want to talk to you about how to handle this situation when you are feeling frustrated, and I'm going to take you through a couple steps. You know I always like to have a good, actionable thing for you to do, so I'm going to take you through a couple steps that you can take in order to make yourself feel less frustrated with your spouse.

Michelle Gauthier: 4:25
Now we're going to approach this problem like we approach every problem on this podcast, which is to focus only on the things that are in your control. So, again, you can control what you think, what you say, what you do, what you ask for. You can't control the way your spouse receives it or what they do with this information. So we're going to focus specifically on you and what you can do in order to make yourself feel better, because even if your spouse doesn't help one iota more, if you can feel better, then you feel better. Life is just better when you're not walking around feeling frustrated and annoyed all the time. So here's the first step. The first step is to get really clear on what you're mad about. So get out a piece of paper or your journal or sit down across the table from your best friend and ask yourself what am I so mad about? And then just let it fly.

Michelle Gauthier: 5:21
I heard someone else use this term, 'journal speak' which I really loved, and journal speak was writing in a fashion where you are not edited, you're not worried about somebody else reading it, you're not worried about being too judgmental, so just write however you really feel. For example, if you put the kids to bed every night and you give them a bath before and you read them books and you get them to bed, and that whole entire time your spouse is playing video games, something you might write in your journal would be like, I want to punch him in the face when I look over and he's playing video games and I've worked a whole day and I'm doing everything with the kids too. So just feel free, write as much as you can. Sometimes when people do this exercise - myself included - you might end up writing like two pages of things that you're frustrated about. So just get it all out on the page. You'll feel the frustration and the anger sort of lessening in your body once you get to the end of what you're writing. I'm not married now, but I used to be married for 20 years, so I can still consider myself an expert on this topic, and with my ex-husband I used to get so frustrated because his work always came first. It always came before my work and family dinner and all of those things. And if one of our kids was sick and they were small enough where they still needed someone to stay at home with them, it was always me taking the day off work or me working around my work schedule, and so that made me feel so frustrated and like I did not matter. So whatever your frustration is, just put it down on the piece of paper in your journal. Maybe you burn it or throw it away after you're finished, but just get that all down.

Michelle Gauthier: 7:03
Then part two, the second part to ask yourself is, what does my brain make that mean? So our brain assigns meaning to things that happen. So, for example, when my kids were sick and my ex-husband would go to work, what I would make that mean is, he doesn't even see me. He doesn't care about my job. He thinks this is always my responsibility. His patients at work are more important than his own sick kids. I had a ton of thoughts and I can see, intellectually, even now, these thoughts aren't true. They're not true that he cared about strangers more than he cared about our kids, but that is what my brain made it mean at the moment. So when your husband is playing video games while you're putting the kids to bed at night and you're feeling so frustrated about this, what is your brain making that mean? Does it mean he thinks my job doesn't matter? He doesn't even see me. He doesn't care that I've also worked a whole day, that I'm exhausted. He doesn't even offer to help. So just see, A, what you're mad at and B, what your brain is making it mean.

Michelle Gauthier: 8:19
Do you wake up already feeling exhausted by the day ahead? Do you find yourself always in a rush and losing patience with your kids and your spouse? If you constantly put everyone else before you, if you say yes to everything. If you're constantly stressed out because you never get to the bottom of your to-do list, you are stuck in the cycle of overwhelm. You might have tried getting more organized or even working longer hours, but it doesn't permanently solve that stressed and overwhelmed feeling. What if there was a solution that actually worked?

Michelle Gauthier: 8:50
I'm opening up coaching spots. I have two available to work with me personally in a one-on-one situation where I will teach you and walk through every tool with you that you need to know to really overcome overwhelm and achieve more by doing less. In this program, you will learn how to feel calm and just move through life, both work and home, with ease. You'll learn how to say no and put yourself first and start choosing what's best for you, maybe for the first time ever. So take the first step towards a calmer, more intentional life by scheduling your free consultation today. Click in the link in the show notes to reserve your spot before they fill up. Like I said, I have two spots open. Don't miss out on this opportunity to transform your life. Also, this is the last month to purchase one-on-one coaching at the current rates, prices are going up 25% in June.

Michelle Gauthier: 9:51
Now the third piece is to ask yourself, how have I communicated this frustration? So in the example that I just gave you, my communication - air quotes - communication was just basically to be annoyed and be really short with him and just carry around frustration. So let's think about your annoying thing. Let's go back to that bedtime example where your husband's playing video games. Maybe you haven't said anything to your husband about this at all. Maybe you're just carrying around this resentment. Or maybe you vented it to your best friend and she knows all about it but you haven't said anything to your husband yet. Or maybe you say something to him every night. Maybe you're in the bathroom giving the kids a bath and you yell from the bathroom, it would be nice if I had some help in here. However you have or have not communicated it up to this point, no judgment, not a big deal, we're just gonna start fresh on how to communicate with this issue, assuming that you've never communicated about it before. So, even if you're saying something or feel like you're nagging him every night, we're just going to start fresh. Wipe that slate clean, and here's how we're going to do the communication. You're going to say when you do X, it makes me feel Y, and here is what I'm asking. What I'm asking is, I guess, z.

Michelle Gauthier: 11:06
So when you play video games when I'm putting the kids to bed at night, it makes me feel sad and alone, is what I would say, and what I'm asking is and then insert whatever you're asking for. So what I'm asking is, on Monday, Wednesday, Friday, if you could put the kids to bed. Or what I'm asking is if you could do it with me. Maybe one of us gives them a bath and one of us reads them books and puts them to bed. Or maybe what you're asking for is on the weekends I don't do anything during bedtime. Whatever it is that you're asking. So again, it is: when this happens, when you play video games while I'm putting the kids to bed,

Michelle Gauthier: 11:51
I feel, whatever you feel, and what I'm asking is to do something different. So, if I go back to the example I gave about my ex-husband, when you just take off for work and don't even think about it when one of our kids is sick, it makes me feel resentful, it makes me feel like you don't care, and what I'm asking for is for you to be available sometimes to take the day off, or maybe is for you to, on the days that you have off, spend a couple hours taking care of the kids, or whatever it is that I'm asking for, because then you can know that you have cleanly and clearly stated how you feel and what you're asking for. And while we're on this topic about being clear, here is a pro tip for you that I really, really, really want you to take: never, never, never waste your time being annoyed that someone else doesn't notice what you need. Why put that responsibility on someone else? People can't read our minds. They just can't. So don't waste your time doing that. Ask for exactly what you need.

Michelle Gauthier: 12:59
Last week, after Mother's Day, I saw a ton of posts - I can't remember if it was in this working moms group I'm in or a single moms group I'm in. I can't remember. It was in a Facebook group, but everybody was comparing and chiming in on what a crappy job their husband did for Mother's Day. A nd I was thinking to myself, okay, who asked? Who asked for what they wanted? One woman said, he didn't even wish me a happy Mother's Day. And yes, that totally sucks and that would also hurt my feelings. But that would never happen in my house, because I would say when I got up in the morning, if my kids wouldn't have said Happy Mother's Day, Mom, I would say, didn't you mean to wish me a happy Mother's Day? And I had already coordinated with their dad for a Mother's Day gift. They had done things for me because ahead of time, weeks ahead of time, I started making it clear what I wanted to do and what I wanted to receive for Mother's Day. I know that's a different topic, but it's the same for this.

Michelle Gauthier: 13:51
So if you are just angrily putting your kids to bed every night and hoping that your spouse will notice, stop doing that. Don't hope that someone's going to notice what you want. Speak up and ask for what you want. I was just reading the other day about something called walk-away wife syndrome, where the wife just gets more and more annoyed and disconnected and resentful, and then one day she just walks away, and gets a divorce. And it looks surprising on the outside, but to the wife it doesn't feel surprising because she has been so checked out and resentful for a long time at her husband. A nd I think, I mean, I'm divorced. I think sometimes being divorced is the best situation for certain marriages, but this seemed like such a shame to me for it just to keep going on and on and on and then for someone to have to leave to get the attention of their husband. So if you are feeling - I'm not saying you're on the verge of divorce - but if you're feeling frustrated with your spouse, if you do these three steps that I suggest that you do, which is ask yourself, why am I so mad? Ask yourself, what is my brain making it mean? And then communicate clearly with 'I feel' statements, what you actually are asking for, then you can know, you can check the box that says I told this person that I was upset, I told them that I felt this way, I asked them for what I needed. So you can know on your side that you communicated clearly. And, by the way, just like you have to do with your kids, you probably aren't just gonna be able to say this one time and everything changes. So prepare yourself for that. Prepare yourself to say remember, we talked about how I feel sad when you do X and I'm asking for Y, so be available and willing to, multiple times, talk through this. Okay, that's a wrap on how to be less annoyed with your spouse.

Michelle Gauthier: 15:49
Now let's move on to Michelle's weekly tip for Doing Less for More Success. This week's tip is to, every time you're doing something, ask yourself, can I just do this twice right now to save myself time in the future? So, for example, if I'm making a salad for my lunch, I make two salads, so I don't have to make one for the next day, or three salads even sometimes, because by the time I get out all the stuff that I want to put on there and I cut up like an avocado and there's a half an avocado. Why not just cut up the other half and put that on tomorrow's salad? I don't have to get all the stuff out the next day, I don't have to think about what I'm gonna have for lunch, because it's already there. I've just done myself, my future self, a favor.

Michelle Gauthier: 16:39
Also, on Mondays, after I work out in the morning, I come home, I make a protein shake for myself and I just make four more. So I have one for every day of the week. I put them in the fridge, they're all mixed up, all I have to do - and this is especially helpful if I have it like later in the day when I'm walking out the door to my daughter's horse lessons, I know I'm not going to be eating dinner for several hours and I'm already hungry. I can just grab that because I made it for myself. So always ask yourself, can I do this more than once right now to save myself time in the future? That's all for this week.

Michelle Gauthier: 17:08
I just have to tell you two more things. Number one is there's a cool new feature where you can send me a text. In the show notes there's just a link that says 'send me a text'. So if you have a comment or a question on the episode that's one of the things that's always bugged me is that there wasn't a great way for you guys to give me feedback, but now you can send me a text. How fun is that? So if you have a question or a comment about today's episode or an episode you would love to have me do, please just send me a text. I absolutely love that. And then, second, if you're thinking about taking advantage of the one-on-one coaching situation. Don't forget to click on the link in the show notes to set up a free consultation with me. You will get great tips even from the free consultation. Okay, see you next week. Thank you for listening to the Overwhelmed Working Woman podcast. If you want to learn more about my work, head over to my website at michellegauthier.com. See you next week.